The Crash of Waves

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So I fall, then call and you are there, underserved, I am aware of your hand

Drowning again, but your grace covers my sin, bringing death to life again, a joy the moves within my soul.

So I scream from all that I am
Songs which generations stand, you are good.

hold on, the master of the wind is with you.

Hold on, the maker of the mountains hears you.

Wait, again, even in the darkest moments,

The creator sings to you

Joy and grace, the dead are back to life.

Steady is the hand that guides you, wait, he leads you on!

Crash again, the waves of grace they cover you
Crash again, the waves of mercy take the blame
Crash again the waves of grace they cover you
Crash again, there’s freedom in the song

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A poem by Emily Dickinson.

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Emily Dickinson (1830–86). Complete Poems. 1924.

Part Four: Time and Eternity

LXIX

ONE need not be a chamber to be haunted,
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.

Far safer, of a midnight meeting 5
External ghost,
Than an interior confronting
That whiter host.

Far safer through an Abbey gallop,
The stones achase, 10
Than, moonless, one’s own self encounter
In lonesome place.

Ourself, behind ourself concealed,
Should startle most;
Assassin, hid in our apartment, 15
Be horror’s least.

The prudent carries a revolver,
He bolts the door,
O’erlooking a superior spectre
More near.

Lithium

For almost a year, I have been faithfully taking a regiment Lamictal, Clonazepam, and Seroquel. Unfortunately, this combination of drugs has failed to control several serious manic and depressive episodes. The last of which caused us (me, my wife, and my doctor) to change course. Along with the previous regiment, I began taking Lithium on Thursday, October 12th, 2017. For the first two days, I was dizzy, throwing up, and had short-term memory loss. It is now Sunday, October 15th and I am feeling more balanced. I hope and pray that this drug and dosage, along with the other drugs, will level my troubled mind. Tounge in cheek, I would like to celebrate the occasion of breaking my Lithium virginity by sharing some of my favorite quotes from one of the most influential books I have read while dealing with Bi-polar, An Unquiet Mind, Book by Kay Redfield Jamison. 

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“No pill can help me deal with the problem of not wanting to take pills; likewise, no amount of psychotherapy alone can prevent my manias and depressions. I need both. It is an odd thing, owing life to pills, one’s own quirks and tenacities, and this unique, strange, and ultimately profound relationship called psychotherapy”
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

“Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You’re frightened, and you’re frightening, and you’re “not at all like yourself but will be soon,” but you know you won’t.”
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

“There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you’re high it’s tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one’s marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends’ faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against– you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.”
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

“Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it, an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide.”
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

“Which of my feelings are real? Which of the me’s is me? The wild, impulsive, chaotic, energetic, and crazy one? Or the shy, withdrawn, desperate, suicidal, doomed, and tired one? Probably a bit of both, hopefully much that is neither.”
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

“No pill can help me deal with the problem of not wanting to take pills; likewise, no amount of psychotherapy alone can prevent my manias and depressions. I need both. It is an odd thing, owing life to pills, one’s own quirks and tenacities, and this unique, strange, and ultimately profound relationship called psychotherapy”
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

“I long ago abandoned the notion of a life without storms, or a world without dry and killing seasons. Life is too complicated, too constantly changing, to be anything but what it is. And I am, by nature, too mercurial to be anything but deeply wary of the grave unnaturalness involved in any attempt to exert too much control over essentially uncontrollable forces. There will always be propelling, disturbing elements, and they will be there until, as Lowell put it, the watch is taken from the wrist. It is, at the end of the day, the individual moments of restlessness, of bleakness, of strong persuasions and maddened enthusiasms, that inform one’s life, change the nature and direction of one’s work, and give final meaning and color to one’s loves and friendships.”
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

“Time will pass; these mood will pass; and I will, eventually, be myself again. But then, at some unknown time, the electrifying carnival will come back into my mind.”
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

It’s ok.

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I’m sad, it’s ok spring is coming

I’m sad, it’s ok summer is coming

I’m sad, it’s ok fall is coming

I’m sad, it’s ok winter is coming

Spring is already here?

Time flies when you feel high!

 

Upstream “part two” (the misunderstood bridge)

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Subtle glows of letting go when no-one knows,

Snow around the globe when in summer.

Pray and stay, afraid to say its grey,

Made like a glade of chaos.

Wet, met, and kept with steps of frets,

Let it set another deep inhale.

Beauty, me, empty, freed iniquity, colors of equality,

Tolerating, exfoliating, formulating, thoughts.

Paranoid, slight android, so annoyed, and then deployed,

Less of ploy and Tolstoy, and more of koi that twitter through the water (buzz),

Sense, defense, repent, mend the fence,

Lense now less than blurry,

Hands and plans, stands a man,

Sand, not bland or kick the can, without a plan,

Still the bridge is curvy.

What?

Ok, locate, and face my stream,

you will get it, follow me, stay with me,

Or smile that you are not swimming the same stream,

Trying to get what it means,

Upstream.

Bliss, and kiss, the misunderstood bridge.